Mom & Me & Mom by Maya Angelou
I finished reading this book back in May. Since then I’ve been ruminating over exactly what I’ve wanted to say in writing this post.
This is the first book I’ve read by Maya Angelou. There is a sureness about her writing that I admire. I didn’t know before I picked it up, but she wrote this while looking back on her life. It was the last book she ever wrote. Her confidence oozed from the pages and after reading I wanted so much to be like her. I wonder if part of how I felt reading is because she wrote retrospectively, already knowing how everything would turn out for her.
While I was reading I had been at a crossroads of sorts, an ‘adaptation’ in my story. I was having an internal struggle and craving wisdom of any kind and luckily I found it in Maya’s words.
“When you cross my doorstep, you have already been raised. With what you have learned from your Grandmother Henderson in Arkansas and what you have learned from me, you know the difference between right and wrong. Do right. Don’t let anybody raise you from the way you have been raised. Know you will always have to make adaptations, in love relationships, in friends, in society, in work, but don’t let anybody change your mind. And then remember this: You can always come home.”
I haven’t had children yet but I hope one day I have a bond with my children where I’m capable of knowing unspoken things about them. How they’re feeling or doubts they have about themselves or where they’re going. I hope I’m able to help them be better people and assuage their worries. Barring the period of time when Maya’s mother was M.I.A. and her grandmother was raising her, I would like to be the kind of mother that Maya Angelou had. The level of understanding her mother had about her children and others seemed supreme-like. Whether that’s a super power, or a sign of emotional intelligence I’m not sure.
“I am not surprised. You are going far in this world, baby, because you dare to risk everything. That’s what you have to do. You are prepared to do the best you know to do. And if you don’t succeed, you also know all you have to do is try again.”
“You see, baby, you have to protect yourself. If you don’t protect yourself, you look like a fool asking somebody else to protect you. “
“A woman needs to support herself before she asks anyone else to support her.”
The words in this book gave me the independence and strength to do something that up until I read this book I couldn’t muster the courage to do. Make a change in my relationship and by doing so my life. I would like to know if it was just a sign of the times for a mother or a parent to have the kind of wisdom Maya’s mom had.
A few years ago I had asked my grandmother why nobody ever pushed my mother to become more than a secretary. I wanted to know why nobody ever at least said to her, “you can be a manager or you are bright and you have options.” I remember her response was “you know what your children are capable of.” I think she was wrong. She didn’t see my mother the way I do. Growing up I was told I could become whatever I wanted, with the assumption that the only limitation would be the amount of hard work I input. My parents were always honest with me about where I could go and what I could be. But sometimes I wonder if my mother needed someone other than my grandma to help her see more for herself.
I gave this book to my mom to read before I gave it to Taylor, the person I originally intended to give it to because I was curious to see what she would think. We had different observations and reactions. I was in awe of Maya’s mother, Vivian Baxter, trying to figure out what she was made of and how I could become more like her. She seemed larger than life to me, spouting wisdom and gusto. However, my mom was skeptical of her positive impact on both her children. She didn’t approve of her abandoning Maya and her brother in their youth and also couldn’t believe all the businesses Vivian seemed to be in charge of. She pointed out that Maya’s brother turned to drugs and never got over Vivian not being present, a detail I overlooked.
I don’t think people like Maya Angelou are just born, I think they have mother (and/or father) figures like her mom and her grandmother that help them shine. I think that’s why she wrote this book to show how special it was to have Vivian in her life and how it shaped her.
“On the day we moved from her house, Mother liberated me by letting me know she was on my side. I realized that I had grown close to her and that she had liberated me. She liberated me from a society that would have had me think of myself as the lower of the low. She liberated me to life. And from that time to this time, I have taken life by the lapels and I have said, ‘I’m with you, kid’.”
Whenever Maya had a new obstacle to tackle or a new phase in her life her mother was there. They figured it out. Don’t know how to do something? Have a dilemma? We will figure it out. It’s that kind of attitude I wish I had more of.
I gave this book to my friend Taylor because in our friendship we can talk about anything, but sometimes we like to dissect complicated relationships that we have with other people, especially the ones we have with our moms. We both know and accept that our mothers are human and that they won’t always have the answers we need.
In those moments, and in most other matters I turn to Taylor. We met on our recruiting trip to run cross country at the same college and subsequently became friends freshman year. It was then and still is a turbulent time in our lives. In a way I feel we’ve helped each other grow up a lot over the past 7-years. Just as Maya Angelou felt her relationship with her mother was important in shaping her life, I too feel that way about Taylor and am extremely grateful to have her in mine.
Quotes that I couldn’t ignore:
“Tosh looked at me expecting me to deny being unhappy, but I thought about the question and realized that for the last few months I had always been near tears.”
“I was young enough to think that if I had said so, it would be so.”
“Its presence in the apartment gave her assurance that she existed and that her existence was important.”
“White women who have been white all their lives and are somewhat rich, have someone to pay all their bills, think that everybody is like them. I have to have two jobs and can hardly make it over and I am doing the best I can.”
“No, she was not playing. She was just being a good mother.”
“You know that I love you and that I hope you will be happy. You also know that I am not a liar, so I would not tell you that I expect you to be happy with the husband you have chosen. But I do hope that you will not be totally miserable.”